ToddlerGuide

Behavior

Saying no without yelling

A few clear rules work better than a new rule every hour. Your job is a firm no for danger and a redirect for the rest.

Cream toddler Velcro shoes and a sage sippy cup sit on a woven rug in a sunlit entryway beside a wooden bench, a plant, and a basket of textiles.

Cream toddler Velcro shoes and a sage sippy cup sit on a woven rug in a sunlit entryway beside a wooden bench, a plant, and a basket of textiles.

AAP effective discipline is direct: corporal punishment and humiliating discipline are not recommended. They raise the risk of harm and do not teach the skill you want. CDC milestones by 1 year says do not spank or yell. Save a firm no for danger. Redirect the rest.

A toddler who hears no forty times an hour stops hearing it. Put the breakable things up. Close the door. Then the no you still say can be about the street and the stove.

When a rule breaks, show what to do instead. Then notice the next success. CDC repeats this on the 15-, 18-, 2-year, and 30-month pages because it is the method that matches this age.

Try this

  1. Write three household rules. Post them for the adults, not the child.
  2. Move the temptation before you write a fourth rule.
  3. Practice the firm no in a calm voice when you are not angry.
  4. After a no, offer the next legal thing: this cup, this room, this toy.
  5. If you yelled, repair later in a short sentence. Then return to the same rule.

Repair is not a speech about your childhood. It is: I yelled. That was my job to do better. The rule is still no climbing the shelf. Then make dinner. Children this age learn from what happens next, not from an essay.

If two adults disagree about the rules, the child is not the referee. Agree on the three rules in another room. Bring one voice back to the hallway.

In the house this month

A house with too many breakable things will produce too many nos. Put the breakable things up for a year. You can have them back. You cannot have a calm hallway and a low glass vase.

If you need to yell because a car is coming, yell. That is danger. Then go back to the ordinary voice for the cup on the floor. The child should be able to tell the difference.

Shame is a long sentence about who they are. A limit is a short sentence about what we do. Stay in the second kind.

When you repair after a yell, do it at their height. Then make the snack. Repair that turns into a twenty-minute talk is another performance. They need the next ordinary minute.

What you can skip

Skip a new rule every hour. Skip humiliation. Skip a twenty-minute repair speech.

Skip asking the child to referee two adults. Agree on three rules in another room.

Keep the range in view

A few rules. A firm no for danger. Redirect the rest. Put breakable things up so you are not saying no forty times. Repair after a yell, then make the snack. Two adults need one list.

Keep the range in view

If you yelled because a car was coming, that was danger. Return to the ordinary voice for the cup. The child should be able to tell those two nos apart.

Check in if

If you are yelling most days and cannot stop, call your pediatrician. A handbook page is not enough when an adult is overwhelmed.

Related ages: 12-18 months, 18-24 months, 24-36 months. Pillars: Behavior.

Sources

  1. Sege RD, Siegel BS. Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics. 2018;142(6):e20183112. publications.aap.org
  2. CDC. Milestones by 1 year. cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/1-year.html
  3. CDC. Milestones by 15 months. cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/15-months.html
  4. CDC. Parenting toddlers and preschoolers. cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers